20 tips to keep your church safe from visitors

via the vicars wife

1) make sure nobody can easily find your church or find out about it
2) let negative notices predominate
3) keep lighting on paths low and ensure they are overgrown
4) keep doors shut and difficult
5) don't heat the church adequately in winter
6) give out as many books as you can to visitors
7) pick welcomers with bad breath or body odour
8) ignore newcomers or overwhelm them with questions and requests
9) stare at newcomers and snigger at their dress
10) don't provide ramps for those in wheelchairs
11) appeals for money should predominate notices and activities
12) have lots of flowers and lacework so blokes feel uncomfortable
13) during the service don't give guidance on what to do when
14) pick unaccessible or banal music or pitch it too high or low
15) ensure the toilets aren't clean or work
16) shake hands like a dead fish or squeeze the life out of their hand
17) coffee should be instant and stale (like the biscuits)
18) have a basket for donations for coffee - you don't want to appear generous
19) talk only with those you know well
20) look at newcomers then turn back to your conversation with your friends